Okay, so everyone knows that horror movies are, well, kind-of, sort-of, stupid. And sometimes it's not the movie itself that is so stupid, but the characters in the movie. According to Scream, there are certain rules that you must follow in order to survive a horror movie. Personally, I love horror movies and I think that I would probably survive though the movie, or at least be one of the last people to die. Because of my love of horror movies, I've compiled a list of rules, along with some of the rules in Scream, that will help you survive a horror movie.The first, and most basic rule, is simple: Always be aware of your surroundings. This can mean many, many things. First off this means stay sober. Don't drink or do drugs because both can seriously hinder your senses. When you're under the influence of any substance your mind cannot function properly and it will not register that you are in any danger, even when the mask killer is stalking you around the house. Secondly, this means always watch where you're going. When you're being chased by the killer, ruin around the big ditches and roots and branches. It will seriously hurt your chances of surviving if you can't stand up long enough to run away. Lastly, this rule means exactly what it says, be aware of where you are. If you're going into a big, scary, empty house check the closets before settling down with your headphones in your ears with the music so loud you can't hear the pounding footsteps of the killer coming up to slash your throat from behind. If you're about to get into a car check the back seat for knife-wielding maniacs. Also be aware of all possible hiding places, just in case you cannot run from the masked killer.
Rule number two is this: Do not have sex. There are several reasons for this rule. The first reason relates loosely to rule number one. While having sex, you cannot be completely aware of your surroundings. The second reason to not have sex in a horror movie is a little less complicated: the killer doesn't like people having sex. Most masked maniacs kill because of some deep-seeded sexual fears or repression so they absolutely hate to see anyone else having sex. Sex basically equals death in horror movies.
Rule number three: Always run. For some reason, people in horror movies always think their best bet is to hide. Whether it be in a closet, under a bed, or in an attic, people think it's a good idea to lay around and wait to be brutally hacked up. However, pretty much anybody, even if they aren't the fastest runner will have better chances of living by trying to out run their killer rather than hiding from them. It seems like people think these killers are deaf and blind. If the killer sees you go into a room and follows you in, your best bet would be to climb out the window or run out another door. Because if you just hide in the room, the killer will a) know you're in their, b) will hear you breathing, and c) eventually be able to find you and murder you because there are only so many places in one room that you can hide. However, if you're going to run make sure you follow rule number one and watch where you're going.
Rule number four: Never run up the stairs. Just don't do it. It's like running in to a death trap. I don't care if the killer is blocking the foot of the stairs. Run at him, full-speed, kick him in the crotch and get out that front door. Either way you look at it, going upstairs will probably get you killed. Once you're up the stairs there are only two ways that it could turn out. One, you get up the stairs, undoubtedly try to hide, and are corned and killed. Two, you get up the stairs and then try to jump out the window. This may seem like a good idea at the time, but in reality, the jump itself may kill you, and if it doesn't it might just injure you enough that you can no longer run from the masked killer. There is a third way running upstairs could end up, but it's very unlikely. If you do have to run up the stairs, and I mean there is no possible way around it, hide in a place that is close to the stairs and easy to get out of, then run down the stairs after the killer has come up and go straight out the door. Never stay upstairs for a long period of time because it will kill you.
Rule number five: Hold on to your tools. Everyone in horror movies have some sort of tools to work with. Whether it be a weapon like a gun or knife or something else helpful like a cell phone, everyone has something that might help save their lives. For some reason, people in horror movies think that if a cell phone has no signal it's completely useless or if a gun runs out of bullets they should just throw it to the ground. Hold on to everything that you can that doesn't slow you down. Cell phones can lose signal in one place and pick it up again a few feet away. And guns can be used as a weapon even after you've run out of bullets so don't throw it down.
Rule number six: Double tap. Heck, triple tap. Tap as much as you possibly can. Just because he looks dead doesn't mean he actually is. So don't let his playing dead fool you. It takes a lot to kill a psychotic killer. And since most horror movies have supernatural killers, it might take so much that you might not actually be able to kill him, just wound him enough for you to get away. But never shoot the killer once and assume he's dead. Shoot him ten times and assume he's still alive.
The final rule for surviving a horror movie is less a rule and more a way of life. First off, be a girl. Guys, I know you have no control over that, but you can at least act a little more feminine or something. But, honestly, it is very unlikely that a man, other than the killer, will make it through a horror movie. Secondly, be a boyish girl. Killers don't like girly girls. And it's easier to kill someone who's trying to run in heels and who doesn't know how to use a gun than a tomboy in tennis shoes. Third, be questioning. Be suspicious of everyone and everything, because it's not safe to trust anyone, not even your friends. These three qualities are the marking quality of the final girl. The one that survives and either kills the killer or injures him enough to get away. The final girl is like a boy. She's smart, she savvy, and she knows how to work tools and weapons and cars. And she almost always lives.
So, there you go. If you ever find yourself in a horror flick, follow these rules and, if you're female, you might just live. And, even if you are male, you may still have a chance as long as you follow the horror movie rules to the word. And don't try to be a hero. And most importantly, always double tap.
-H
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